G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

A movie written for ten-year-old boys, directed by a ten-year-old boy. Stephen Sommers can’t even get an action scene right as he jumps ADHD-like from one bad CG effect to another, with no sense of excitement in even a visceral sense.

As in Transformers 2, the story focuses exclusively on introducing as many characters and vehicles to sell as toys as possible, and though it’s no surprise the acting is bad, the level of badness still impresses. Thespian highlights include Dennis Quaid attempting to vocalize while protruding his chest as far as possible, Sienna Miller seeing how much cleavage and leg can be shown in a single camera frame (quite a lot), and Channing Tatum twitching the little muscle in his jaw anytime he’s meant to exhibit emotion.

The Snake Eyes character is the most interesting by far – not coincidentally his face is hidden and he doesn’t speak for the whole movie.